Motivate!

Let's be honest, how many of you have had to bribe your child to finish their dinner? To eat that last piece of green broccoli or to even take a bite of their chicken?

As parents trying to negotiate and motivate our children can be a nightmare. However, it doesn't always have to be. We will be discussing the pitfalls of bribing our children and learn alternative methods to motivate them to finish their dinners without any hassles.

First off, what is the problem with a bribe? They seem to work right? Bribe your child with ice cream to finish their dinner, or even pay them in cash to take out the trash. These tricks seem to work, but only momentarily. By bribing our child to do what we want them to, they don't learn the satisfaction themselves of completing the task. They are more excited about the additional treat or money promised to them opposed to the satisfaction of what they can accomplish. Bribes are the band aid solution to quickly pacify a difficult child. However, just like a band aid eventually comes off, so does the effect of the bribe. The next time you ask your child to do the same behavior, without a bribe, the won't do it because they know what they can get out of you, their parent, from previous encounters. It is as if your child expects to be given something in exchange for doing what you want them to do. Children are perceptive and can learn early on how to manipulate their parents.

However, if you are using bribes, there are ways to stop and rethink now, before it is too late.
There are a few steps that can help us rethink the bribes we use, and to change them into rewards. Rewarding our child helps encourage them to repeat the behavior. Bribing them will only cease any efforts to get them to repeat the same behavior. According to Dr. Steve Dennis there are five ways we can redirect our bribes into rewards to encourage good behaviors.

These five suggestions are:

1. "Always redirect to the authentic
2.  Never eclipse the authentic
3. Timing is everything
4. Age and maturity is a consideration
5. The best rewards aren't physical or material," (Dennis 2).

Now we know what these methods are let's look a little deeper to understand what they mean.

1. "Always redirect to the authentic," is basically when we redirect what our child has accomplished to what their "passions" are and why they did what they did. This is basically a question asking your child why they worked so hard and why.

2. "Never eclipse the authentic," is basically the idea that, "the larger the reward - the more it feels like a payoff or bribe," (Dennis 2). Instead of giving your child large reward for doing well, give them a small one, related to the behavior, and redirect them to the authentic.

3. "Timing is everything," is when "...rewards promised before the action can feel manipulative. Do this and I'll give you an ice cream. Unpromised rewards given in surprise after the action feels appreciative," (Dennis 2). What this method means that giving your child a reward before they follow through with the behavior will only confuse your child and they won't actually follow through. It is better to encourage your child to do the behavior and then surprise them. Also, if you promise your child a reward and then forget to give it to them, your child will resent you for not following through.

4. "Age and maturity is a consideration," this is the idea that if you have to reward your child with age appropriate rewards (Dennis 2). A teenager will not respond to ice cream as well as a toddler would. Make sure the rewards you give are age appropriate as well as fit the behavior.

5. "The best rewards aren't physical/material," is the idea that pure satisfaction and pride will help the child repeat the behavior (Dennis 2). These rewards can be your time as a parent, a new activity or experience, or even a new opportunity.

When we apply these five things to our parenting arsenal, we will be able to accomplish more with our children and help to motivate them instead of bribing them.

Reference:

Dennis, Steve. “What's the Problem with Bribes?” byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/475769-
Online.2018.Fall.FAML120.09/Course Files/Whats the Problem with Bribes.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=SXqzokEGHKyuQyPQUjMoUCpVu&ou=475769.

Guide

As parents, we want our children to behave a certain way. We may want them to be polite, quite, nice, and obedient to us. Or maybe we would rather them refer to us as "sir," and "ma'am," open the door for us, and drop and give us twenty push ups when they break our rules.

Either way as parents we have rules and expectations that we want our children to achieve. When they break our rules and expectations there are consequences. Our role as parents is to help guide our children when they break the rules so that they understand what was expected and what their consequence may be. In this video below, it shares a story of how a father was an excellent guide for his son. Here we can watch and see what we can do as a parent to help guide our children, instead of just giving in or giving up.

After watching this video, how did you as a parent feel when the boy just left the yard a mess without following through as he had promised? Did you feel frustrated, angry, resentful, or just plain upset? Did you want to break in and clean the yard yourself? Or even ground the boy for not completing the task when we wanted it done? These are all normal responses as parents. We sometimes feel that we need to have tasks done right away. Even if that means breaking in and doing them ourselves. From this video we can learn that by doing the task our self and nagging our child does not teach them to be responsible. In fact it does the opposite. It is like your boss at work giving you an assignment to interview a client. Your boss wants this to be done a specific way and at a specific time. However, before you can even start, your boss has already done the interview and completed the task. Thus taking the responsibility away from you, as well as the opportunity to grow. 

As parents, our role is to help guide our children and to not simple coddle them. What it means to be a guide is just that, to be a guide. To help lead our children down the right paths so that they learn and understand with our help what is expected. This does not mean to use harmful corrective measures when our children don't comply. Astrid Lingren said, "Above all, I believe that there should never be any violence..." 1. She believed that violence was the worst thing we could do to our children when they were disobedient. She shared a story that stands out on it's own. She said, 

"When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking - - the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside himself and find a switch for her to hit him with. 

The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, "Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock that you can throw at me." 

"All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery - - one can raise children into violence," 1.  

Here we can see the importance of guiding our children, rather than trying to correct them and punish them. Children will understand a lot better when we take the time to work with them, and teach them, rather than only punish them. 

Reference: 

1. Lisbet Nilson. "Pippi Power: An Interview with Astrid Lingren. Parenting. October 1992. p. 132. 

Care for Yourself

When it comes to parenting, let's face it, there is a lot that goes into keeping our tiny humans happy, healthy, and alive. As parents we bathe, feed, change, change again to keep our children well taken care of. However, after spending all that time taking care of another person, how many parents are taking the time to care for themselves? How many of us are taking the time to brush our own teeth, bath ourselves, and even eat something among all of the crazy errands driving our children all over the place? 

Now, there is no need to raise your hand to these questions. Honestly, how often as a parent are you taken care of? How many times in a day, week, month, or year are you able to care for your own needs? "If you’re like most moms and dads, you need to be told that you’re WORTH focusing on, and that it’s okay to take time to take care of yourself. Practicing self care is actually a very important step to becoming a better parent, and there are things you can do today to get started," (SCAN 1). What this means is that it is okay to take five minutes everyday to really focus on yourself. Take time to exercise, eat something healthy, or even take a hot shower. As a parent this will help you feel more like a human being and also help you to recharge your own batteries to take on the little ones in your home. 

Think of parenting like an airplane. While you are on the airplane there are many safety precautions necessary to make sure that you, the passenger, can arrive safely at your destination. There are seat belts provided and even oxygen masks in case of an emergency. However, in the event of an emergency, you as the parent need to put on your own mask before helping others with theirs. There is a reason for this. You cannot help another person if you are not taken care of yourself. Now this does not mean to become narcissistic and selfish, but to really make sure you as the parent are taken care of. This means shower as often as possible, change your clothes, go on a walk, or read a good book. Take some time to put on your parenting oxygen mask every once in a while to take a second to breathe and recharge. 

By taking time to care for yourself, and make sure your own basic human needs are met you will be a better prepared parent. You will thank yourself, and your kids will as well. 

References: 

Va, Scan. “Parent Support.” SCAN, 2018, www.scanva.org/support-for-parents/parent-resource-center-2/self-care-for-parents/.

Welcome to Parenting Hacks 101

Welcome to Parenting Hacks 101!

Your one stop spot to help learn how to negotiate with tiny humans, energy charged toddlers, and hormonal teenagers. If you are tired of pulling out those gray hairs and disguising them under baseball caps you are in the right place.

We will help you understand how to care for those crazy Tasmanian devils, yes your children, and to also care for yourself.

We will be focusing on the NEPEM Model, which consists of seven categories to help you as a parent regain your sanity as well as help you parent your children in a way that will redefine parenting.

NEPEM stands for "The National Extension Parent Education Model."

The NEPEM model's seven categories are:

1. Care for Self
2. Understand
3. Guide
4. Nurture
5. Motivate
6. Develop
7. Advocate

Stay tuned every week as we travel through these topics to help you regain your life, and learn to love parenting again.